Out Takes
by L-Syllabub
Summary: Co written with Turathionen - Parts of Left Behind they didn't tell you about, carefully scripted and cast for your enjoyment. Rated for hinted slash, crack and major stupidity.
1. I Live And Breathe

A/N: This little piece of apparently brainless fluff is a collaborative effort between **L-Syllabub** and **Turathionen**. We rock.

And….we have credits. These are very very important. Do not skip them. You have been warned.

Turathionen: If and when you read this, I'd like you to bear in mind that it was written all in one little room, in the pitch dark, and we were having a competition to see who could come up with the dumbest plot-bunny. It contains slash (well duh, I contributed to it) in large amounts, and a lot of apparently OOC stuffs. Honestly, though, these are the bits that so should have been in the Left Behind books, but just weren't, for some strange reason. And now, over to L-S.

LSyllabub: It is a shame that we don't own this series (and are thus not making any money or infringing on any rights and all that legal jazz. Go go Disclaimer Power!) because if we did you know this would obviously be up for all kinds of literary awards. Pinter's got nothing on us. Sadly this gem is relegated to a small beshadowed corner of the net.

- - -

**Out-Takes**

- - -

"Due to the lack of report on my desk, Leon, I am going to have to demote you to just a regular minion. Is that okay with you?" Nicolae asked, leaning back in his chair lazily.

"Nooo! Excellency, I will not be able to survive without your presence! I live and breathe the time I spend with you! Every waking hour I revere and worship you! Can I still be Supreme Commander? Please?" Leon cried dramatically, falling to his knees in despair.

"Okay, if it means that much to you, then you can have your job back. Just get up off the floor, idiot." the potentate replied scornfully.


	2. It's Spelt H E Double L

"Leon, you're an idiot, you're going to fry for all eternity."

"What!"

It was not Leon's day. First he'd been stuck on a plane for eight hours, then the plane had had to make an unexpected stop in the middle of the desert, and then worse, he had been confronted with religious fanatics trying to persuade him to renounce Nicolae. At least, that's what they had been doing, until this latest interrogator had come in. Leon was convinced he'd seen him somewhere before ... was it Robert? Raymond? Rayford! That was the one! Rayford Steele, ex-pilot of Nicolae Carpathia, had now given up with persuading Leon that following Nicolae was a bad thing, and was simply insulting him instead.

"You'll be cast into hell with Nicolae." Ray decided to elaborate.

"Oh ... right. I thought you were talking about something really bad for a moment then." Leon heaved a great sigh of relief, relaxing back into his chair again. Ray did not seem happy with that reaction.

"That's damnation for all eternity, Leon."

"With Nicolae, right?" Leon double-checked.

"Yes." Ray replied.

"So your point is?"

"That's not a good thing." Ray said, very slowly. It was obvious that something in Leon's brain wasn't working properly, and maybe by slowing down his speech it would sink in more.

"Eternity with Nicolae, huh ..." Leon sighed dreamily, toying with a lock of his hair.

"It's spelt H E double L."

"Sounds kinda homey. I wonder what colour we should decorate ..." the High Reverend decided to go off on a tangent, ignoring Rayford totally.

"You're missing the problem here." Ray pointed out.

"I mean, I like blue ... but I'd have to check with Nicolae first ..."

"Oh forget it." Ray left the room in disgust.

"Hell, huh? I'm sure I read somewhere that hell's kinda warm. Ooo, maybe it'd be like a holiday in the sun! And Nicolae'd be sunbathing with no shirt on ..." Leon mused to himself.


	3. Our SummerWear Collection

As if the middle of summer in New Babylon was not bad enough, God, it seemed, had turned up the gas on the sun, frying everything that wasn't in extremely sheltered conditions to a little pile of cinders. And so, the surviving staff at the GC complex were all crammed into a tiny little basement far beneath the earth's surface, all apart from their leader. Jostled around by the uneasy crowd, David Hassid found himself rubbing shoulders with Carpathia's right-hand man, Leon Fortunato, and decided to share some gossip.

"Did you hear?" David asked in a furtive whisper.

"What?" Leon asked, sounding more than a little cramped and uncomfortable.

"The Supreme Potentate is out there, sunbathing, in this death-ray heat!"

"Really? What's he wearing?" Leon sounded a little too eager to find out. If David thought that that was an odd question, he didn't show it.

"Er ... trousers and a vest? He's taken his shirt and jacket off I'm sure."

Almost before David had finished speaking, Leon rose onto his tiptoes to gauge the best path to the door, and, having found it, began to make his way through the packed crowd in the opposite direction that everyone else was trying to move.

"Where are you going?" David called back to him. He saw the look on Leon's face as a million possible lies ran through his head, then he affected an innocent expression, and David knew something was up.

"Outside."

"You'll kill yourself!" David pointed out, rather obviously.

"Yeah, but it'll be worth it, though." Leon grinned, and then turned back, plunging into the surging crowd.


	4. I'm A Believer

Nicolae had done a good job of doing up the temple in Jerusalem, Viv had to admit, as she sat on her nephew's throne, swinging her feet. Suddenly, singng came from the shower that had been put there in case a sacrifice caused too much of a mess.

"Then I saw his face, now I'm a believer, not a trace of doubt in my mind! I'm in love, I'm a believer I couldn't leave him if I tried!"

It was Leon.

About ten minutes later, as Viv was still sitting in the elaborate throne that had been erected in front of the altar, Leon emerged from the side room, looking fresh and revitalised. He stopped as he saw Viv inhabiting Nicolae's throne, with a look of horror.

"What are you doing sitting there?" he demanded.

"What were you singing just then?" Viv retorted, with a wicked little grin. Leon didn't answer immediately, as an awkward silence descended on the throne room.

"I think we should just forget that this ever happened." Leon finally spoke.

"My lips are sealed." Viv said sincerely, laying her hand on her heart. "Unlike yours ..." she added under her breath.

"What did you say?" Leon picked up on her muttering.

"Nothing popstar."

"Good."


	5. Out of Your League

"Whaddya mean, he's '_out of my league_'?" Leon demanded of Viv, who was filing her nails and generally looking very pleased with herself.

"Just that – he's out of your league. You're just one of his minions." Viv replied, glancing sideways at him.

Leon did the only thing possible at that moment. He stuck his fingers in his ears and sang.

"La la-la la-la I'm not listening."

Viv rolled her eyes and ceased her filing to look at Leon sceptically.

"Look, I'll cut you a deal." she interrupted, loud enough to be heard over his tuneless singing.

"I'm listening." was the automatic reply, as Leon removed his fingers from his ears and looked sharply at her.

"I thought you weren't." Viv raised an eyebrow.

"I won't be for much longer." Leon replied, using every ounce of wit he possessed. Viv stared in disbelief at him for a second or two, then drew a pair of dice from her pocket.

"Anyway, if you can score a 1 on these two dice, I'll try and persuade Nicolae to see you, okay?" she asked lazily.

Leon nodded eagerly, and took the dice. Viv shook her head and sauntered off, laughing to herself at Leon's gullibility.

_24 hours and a few million dice rolls later_

Leon, looking tired, unshaven and generally a mess, stopped his dice rolling and thought for a moment.

"Hang on …"


	6. A noble Profession

It was Saturday, and the entire GC staff had turned out to view the spectacle of Nicolae sacrifice a pig on the altar in the Jewish temple. Not to mention that half of the Carpathia-supporting population of the planet had also turned up to watch. Suhail and Leon, of course, were there, right at the forefront of the crowds of people, being loyal GC members as they were. Suhail was watching the proceedings with the mild disinterest of one who is not offended by anything any more, whereas Leon did not appear to be able to take his eyes off the Potentate.

"His Excellency still has style even in that simple robe thing, huh?" Suhail asked mildly. He was growing bored of all the blood and the gore and the general obscenity of the proceedings. It was something he had seen too much of lately.

"I envy his tailor …" Leon sighed wistfully, his eyes averted from the actual sacrifice by the sheer fascination of watching the way that Nicolae's brand-new tunic draped so perfectly about his body.

"What?" Suhail was broken out of his boredom by the completely absurd connotations of what Leon had just said.

"Er… er … I mean, tailoring, quite a skill, right? I bet you get a lot of job satisfaction from that … tailoring, I mean, not that this isn't a good job it's just ..." Leon stammered, finally tearing his eyes away from the edge of the captivatingly short fabric to glance guiltily at Suhail. "I always wanted to be a tailor." he finished, somewhat lamely.

"Whatever, that's very nice." And Suhail had, once again, became excrutiatingly bored.

"Yeah? Erm …I gotta go now." Leon said very hurriedly, as he had just noticed Nicolae had finished with the sacrificing, and turned to address the crowds. The blood on his clothes was making it stick to him in ways that were not entirely modest, nor at all unattractive. As Leon turned and tried to make his way through the crowds to somewhere of relative solitude, Suhail noticed that the Reverend's nose was bleeding.

"Strange, strange man." he muttered under his breath.


	7. CoughNicolaeCough

"Haven't you noticed Leon's been acting a bit weird lately?" Suhail asked, frowning out of the window of the GC main building.

"Tell me about it." Viv, leaning against the window, stifled a snigger.

"Do you know something you're not telling me?" the General looked at her suspiciously.

"You have to swear …" Viv attempted to say, but then dissolved into giggles.

_Girls,_ Suhail thought, sighing boredly.

"All right already, just tell me."

Viv's giggles subsided.

"Well, Leon kinda has a bit of a thing for …"

Just as she was about to give Suhail a name, Viv's voice was drowned out by raucous giggles from down the corridor.

"Is that Walter? I thought I told him to lay off the drink." she sighed. Suhail scowled in the direction of the door from behind which the noise was coming. A few seconds later, Walter fell through it, still laughing.

"What is it this time, Moon?" Suhail demanded, glaring at him.

"It's Leon!" Walter choked out, between bouts of laughter.

Viv immediately stood up a little straighter, and seemed to pay a bit more attention.

"Ooh, what about him?"

"He's talking in his sleep!" Walter spluttered.

"So?" Suhail seemed nonplussed.

"About Nicolae!" Walter dissolved into hysterical laughter, collapsing to the floor. Suhail bit his lip for a millisecond or two, then couldn't help but see the humour in it, and joined in. Viv's shrill giggles echoed around the corridor, and through the door Walter had just entered by. Eventually they reached a certain sleeping someone.

Leon stumbled through the door, looking sleepy. He glared at the laughing trio through bleary eyes.

"What's so funny?" he yawned.

Cue the abrupt silence.

Walter suddenly coughed, but Leon's sleepy brain didn't register how much that cough sounded suspiciously like 'Nicolae'. He raised his eyebrows, then shrugged, and trudged along the hallway from whence he had come.

As soon as he was out of earshot, the trio began laughing again.


	8. Fine Figure Of A Young Man

The sun was setting over New Babylon, and once again, Walter and Viv were loitering around in a corridor somewhere. They both had absolute reams of work to do, but right now, both had decided to take a coffee break. The conspicuous absence of coffee anywhere within the corridor bore testimony to the fact that they were simply skiving their duties like the uninspired employees they were.

"I'm bored." Walter yawned.

"Let's have some fun." Viv said with a furtive glance down the corridor

"How?" Walter asked absently, beginning to contemplate the possibility of returning to his work.

"Here comes Leon, just follow my lead." Viv whispered, as Leon appeared from the darkness of the main corridor.

"Greetings fellow employees of God on Earth, the most supreme, amazing, brilliant Potentate. That shining examp-" he said expansively, with the adorably happy smile he got when talking about Nicolae.

"Yeah ok Leon, greetings, to you too. Seen Suhail lately?" Viv interrupted his grandiose introduction, absolutely sure that if he was allowed to continue, Leon would talk for hours on his favourite subject.

"Not recently. Why?" Leon asked, a little put out about not being allowed to continue his speech about Nicolae.

"Oh, nothing, he's in your old position right?" Viv asked innocently, but behind the vacant face, she was scheming.

"Well there was a gap after I got promoted" Leon beamed, and he looked perfectly ready to launch into a speech about how awesome it was to be promoted to a place so high up in the ranks, so close to Nicolae.

"I heard Nicolae is very complimentary." was Viv's casually crushing remark.

"Really? About Suhail?" Leon sounded disbelieving. It was at this point Walter finally caught onto what Viv was doing.

"Oh yes, the other day I heard his Excellency remark on what a 'fine figure of a young man' he was." he added, and Viv winked at him.

"He said that about Suhail…?" Leon's face fell.

"Oh you should hear the rest of it…. Suhail this, Suhail that." Viv said in the tone that gossipy teenage girls like to affect occasionally.

"He never said anything like that about….me." Leon sighed, his eyes wide. He looked as though he was about to cry.

"Now you come to mention it, he didn't did he?" Walter said, in a mock-thoughtful voice.

"You don't mind though do you Leon?" Viv chipped in, although it was very obvious that Leon _did_ mind, in the highest degree.

"I think they're having a 'private' meeting at the moment." Walter continued, and it was very obvious what he meant.

"My little Nicky huh?" Viv giggled.

At that moment Leon managed to lose all the eloquence that had possessed him before, until he was reduced to opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish, in the effort to say something.

"Something wrong, Leon?" Viv asked cruelly.

"No…" Leon said, with a little catch in his voice, "I'm just going to go and slam my head against this wall."

"Have fun." Walter waved him off down the corridor.


	9. Filling Up Time

"I really don't know why everyone's acting so weird all of a sudden."

It had come to that time in Leon's life when he had felt that he had to see a psychiatrist. She was a nice enough woman, he supposed, but she didn't really seem to be listening to him. She'd been asking the same questions repeatedly, and Leon suspected she was just filling up time to get paid more.

"In what way have they been acting weird?" the psychiatrist asked patronisingly.

"Well, Walter seems to get a funny cough that sounds an awful lot like 'Nicolae' when I'm around, Viv starts singing 'I'm a believer' every time the Potentate enters, and although this little show of devotion is nice, I don't like the snide looks she keeps throwing me. Suhail keeps talking about clothes, mainly what the Potentate is wearing today as well." Leon sighed.

"And does the Potentate know about this?" she asked absently.

Leon's face went crimson, but the psychiatrist, hiding behind her clipboard (as psychiatrists are wont to do), didn't notice.

"He doesn't know. He doesn't know…" Leon mumbled.

"But surely divinity like that must notice?" For all the psychiatrist was patronising, she was at least a Carpathia devotee.

Leon's voice took on a dreamy tone.

"Divinity…yes…but he doesn't notice much. He doesn't notice the way his hair flicking over his eyes makes him look perfect. He doesn't notice how well dressed he always is. He doesn't even notice me…"


	10. That Old Dream

Leon had been left alone in his office for too long. He wasn't bored, however, he was merely conjuring up rather implausible plots. Today, the implausible plot involved him trying on a blonde wig, the exact length and style that Hattie Durham's hair had been.

"Nope. I don't think this blonde wig is helping. Maybe I should get an airhostess outfit…" he muttered to himself, looking in the mirror he kept on his wall. And then David Hassid walked in.

"Is this a bad time…just wanted to know if I can see Nicolae." the computer technician mumbled, a little surprised to see Leon in such a state.

"Fancy Nicolae? Who said anything about fancying Nicolae? Not me certainly." Leon said, very quickly, and not just a little loudly. David's jaw dropped.

"No….I want to see Nicolae."

"If I can't then your cert-" Leon continued, seeming to have totally lost his wits, until realisation dawned. "Oh, right."

"Yeah, erm, I don't have an appointment."

"I'll just see…"

"Do you realize you have a blonde wig on?" David asked, a bit awkwardly.

"This? Do I?"

"Yes."

"Well you see…I'm rehearsing for a bit in a…musical."

"A musical?"

"Always wanted to be on Broadway."

"I thought you wanted to be a tailor?"

David had evidently been talking to Suhail, and Leon panicked.

"Erm…yeah, a singing tailor. A….singing….tailor…in a blonde wig. You know, that old dream." he improvised hurriedly.

"I wanted to be an astronaut." David shrugged, wanting to stop Leon's train of thought before he came up with something really crazy.

"Wow! That's really out there isn't it!…I gotta go."

"This is _your_ office." David observed.

"Oh…well then…" Leon paused, racking his brains for something to get away from David.

"What's that over there?" he shouted, in true comedic fashion. David fell for it.

"Over where?" he asked, turning around. Leon decided to run out while he was distracted, leaving behind a very confused David Hassid in his wake.


	11. Cheesy Spy Movie

"No seriously Ray, Leon's acting very strange lately."

It was the middle of the night, and David Hassid was, once again, at his computer, indulging in a secret whispered conversation with his Christian brethren back at the safe house.

"What's new?" Tonight, it had been Ray's turn to answer David's call.

"He's really starting to freak me out now. Just yesterday he was asking me for every security video containing Hattie Durham, complete with audio. I mean, freaky or what?"

"Or what indeed? Maybe he's onto us." Ray's voice lowered to a rough whisper.

David grimaced.

"Ray, quit acting like you're in a cheesy spy movie. He's not 'onto us'. There's nothing on that tape that would tell him where the safe house is. Unless I left the home video of Kenny and Chloe in there…Oh no! I'm going to have get it back."

David rapidly hung up and half-ran to Leon's office. He composed himself, and tentatively swung open the door.

"Leon, I need one of those….videos…" David whispered, just in case Leon was still there. He trailed off, as he noticed that Leon was there, shredding one of the security videos of Hattie. For about six horrible seconds, David thought that Leon had shredded the video of Kenny and his mother. If he had, Chloe would first kill David, then come marching up to the GC complex for Leon.

David quickly looked around. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as he noticed the video of the Williamses was lying on a desk, only a few feet away from him. He was ready to mutter an excuse, but Leon hadn't noticed his entrance. He was so engrossed in the destruction of the videos, he didn't even notice that he was muttering to himself.

"Why did she get him and I didn't? What has that blonde tart got that I haven't?"

David decided he'd be better off not knowing anything about this, grabbed his video, and silently slipped out of the door.


	12. Ah Huh

"So then, that's the agenda sorted." Nicolae said briskly, as he walked to the window of his office.

"Ah huh." Leon said, starry eyed.

"Right then." the potentate sighed, wondering when Leon was going to take the hint and leave.

"Ah huh." Leon said, awed.

"You may go Leonardo." Nicolae finally gave up on hints.

"Ah huh." Leon said, worshipfully.

"Now." Nicolae's voice bore that hint of steel that called for no questions to be asked. It was at that point that Leon snapped out of his little trance.

"Oh yes of course…" he blushed, and made for the door. Once it was open, and the cold emptiness of the corridor loomed unappealingly before his eyes, he turned back towards the warmth of the office, looking nervously at Nicolae.

"Erm ... Excellency?" he asked, mentally cursing his quavering voice.

"What is it?" Nicolae didn't even look up from his papers. Leon gulped.

"I…love you." he said quietly.

"Yes, I know Leon." the potentate's tone was uncaring, and this cut Leon to the quick.

"Yeah, right." he sighed, exiting the room forlornly, and leaving Nicolae alone in his office, with a curious look on his face.


	13. You Know My Name

Leon was banging his head against a wall, as hard as he could without killing himself. His brain cells were not happy.

"I -ow- told him -ow- at least that's -ow- over with n -ow- but he -ow- said he -ow- knew but -ow- he doesn't -ow- really know -ow- at all -ow- does he? -ow- He wouldn't -ow- understand -ow- how I feel -ow- about him -ow- at all. -ow -ow –ow." he whispered, his voice growing louder with each 'ow'.

"You had better stop that, Leon. You will hurt yourself." A silky voice greeted him from the shadows. Nicolae stepped out into the light, his blond hair catching the glow and making him look even more beautiful than usual.

"Why should I bother? -ow- it's not as if -ow- you care -ow- or anything n-ow- is it? -ow- Maybe I should just -ow- keep going -ow- and kill myself -ow- or at least -ow- lose my -ow- memory or -ow- something –ow." Leon decided to throw caution to the winds and answer Nicolae back. At least that had a chance of killing him quickly.

"Count this as a direct order from your Supreme Potentate. If you do not stop that you will be fired."

Leon did stop, if only so that he could continue this conversation without the steady rhythm of his head against the wall annoying him. He rested his forehead against the wall.

"I don't care. In fact that would probably be better for both of us. You wouldn't have to put up with me, and I could escape from so many dreams and fantasies that will never come true. And that includes you."

"Have you ever wondered why I picked you for my right hand man?" Nicolae asked curiously.

"Yes, hundreds of times." Leon sighed.

"There was something about you that caught my eye. I wanted people like you around me. Hattie Durham…was a mistake. I never truly wanted her. But you…the unwavering devotion that you have shown me is incredible, unrivalled. I could not have asked for a better friend and companion." Nicolae's voice was soft, and a small smile hovered on his face.

Leon laughed ruefully.

"Maybe one who isn't so infatuated with you that he can't concentrate on his job?" he suggested sardonically.

"That has always been one of your most charming qualities." Nicolae purred. He took a step or two closer to Leon. "Turn and face me Leonardo."

"I can't, Potentate I am not worthy of beholding the utmost perfection that is you." Leon almost sobbed, bringing his arm up to hide his face.

"You are if I say you are."

Leon couldn't exactly argue with that. He slowly turned, and was a little surprised to find Nicolae standing about a foot away from him, leaning lazily against the wall. Leon's breath caught in his throat.

"Well Exce-" he began, but Nicolae interrupted him, laying a hand on his second-in-command's shoulder, before shaking his head with a smile.

"You know my name." he pointed out, his voice dropping to a low murmur.

Leon's voice began to falter.

"Nicolae…you're standing really close…almost…too close..."


	14. Roll Credits

**Credits **

Cast

Nicolae Jetty Carpathia – Gordon Currie (because he already roxxors our soxxors)

Leonardo Fortunato – Stuart Townsend (Just so he can be forced at gunpoint to bleach his hair – like he wouldn't do for Queen of The Damned. Bastard.)

Suhail Akbar – Naveen Andrews (or….Sayid from Lost. Because he looks cool in uniform. Think about it. You know it makes sense.)

Rayford Steele - Brad Johnson (only he possess the chin power for the role)

Viv Ivins – Angelina Jolie (for Viv is a closet sex kitten. Miaow.)

Walter Moon – Jack Davenport (Not Pirate Jack. Mr. Ripley Jack. Obviously.)

David Hassid – Orlando Bloom (Not elf orlando. Pirate Orlando. Obviously.)

The Therapist – Helana Bonham Carter (just because we can)

**Extras** (Aka The Crowds)

Lets face it. Who cares about extras?

Jerry B Jenkins would like to say: _"I fully endorse this piece of material. In fact, if I had thought of it first, I would have included it in the book. Sadly, I am not that talented, nor that imaginative. Plus I cannot write. Plus I smell. Mwahahaha I love Jesus and I want to marry him and have his babies."_

Concept by Turathionen and LSyllabub

Dialogue by Turathionen and LSyllabub

Prose-ification by Turathionen

Casting by LSyllabub

Thankyou. Goodnight, and drive safely.

Oh…and not to forget, God Bless.


End file.
